DEATH -THE INEXORABLE THIEF...

Death like a black hooded inexorable thief, slyly slithers at day or night,
and robs us of our most prized possession, the treasure of life.
We know not when and how he'll strike,
Maybe at dusk or dawn or diffused twilight.

He'll not wait patiently for us to finish our unfinished business on earth
or calculate the minutes, hours or years of our birth.
He harbours a fear deep within our souls,
and indeed is the most loathsome ghoul.
He has taken away those we've loved and idolised
But, also of the significance of life made us realise,
that life is short, we must do what we are set out to do and not procrastinate,
Lest death with us, uninvited, will set with him, our inevitable date!

Are we Indians really Independent?

Today, 15th August 2012, is the 65th Indian Independence Day,
where everyone in India enjoys a public holiday.
Some may relax and rejuvenate on this day and watch " Ek Tha tiger" in multiplexes or single screen cinemas,
and whistle to the dialogues of Salman and latkas and jhatkas of Katrina.

Though my ancestors maybe Portugese and Persian,
I am a true blue "mixed breed" Indian,
Even though I reside in another country,
I always have the Indian flag perched all 365 days on my drawing room wall along with that of the UAE.
And like a typical Indian foodie,
I made a cuisine to match the Indian flag,
a white rice, green cabbage vegetable and a nice orange lamb curry.

But jokes aside, this Independence day, I need to ask each one of you a question.
Are we Indians really and truly independent?
We are not, I am afraid!
I am sorry and ashamed to mention.

Independence should ideally mean freedom of choice, freedom of expression,
freedom of movement, freedom from discrimation and freedom from corruption.

Freedom of choice now that's a myth,
where a girl or boy in most parts of India have to marry as per their parents wish.
They cannot select a spouse of their own choice,
if they do, some of them are subject to honour killings, with their life they are forced to pay the price.

Freedom of expression, whenever we open our mouths, we are told to hush up and keep quiet,
if movies are created on certain issues, political parties interfere and create a riot.
No one likes to hear the truth or listen to reason,
if we are independent then howcome we still do not enjoy the freedom of expression.

"Hey you're a mallu, hey you're from Karnataka,
hey Madrasi, how dare you enter our Maharashtra!
That's freedom of movement for you,
where an Indian cannnot move freely from one state to another,
without unnecessary cries, verbal and physical abuse.
Can a woman move freely without being stared at lasviciously,
or teased and troubled by lecherous Indians publicly.
Can she move freely at 12 AM midnight,
without certain apprehensions or always looking back to see if she's being followed, in fright.

Discrimination is a way of the Indian life,
no Hindu man will ever want a Muslim wife
or for that matter no Brahmin will with a Dalit be seen in close proximity,
and among Christians, Hindus, Muslims and Parsis,
there's discrimination within sects, you see.
We often hear "Oh you're a Mangalorean, Oh you're a Keralite, oh you're a Goan",
but no one realises that we belong to one country and we are all " Bloody Indians"!

Unfortunately, freedom from corruption is the hardest to attain,
to achieve a corrupt free country, over 80% of the politicians need to be slain.
Where taxes collected should be sent to the government exchequer,
are used by politicians to make their lives better.
Where corruption is found at every level,
from bribing a government official to the traffic policeman for breaking a signal.

I know this is a pretty hard hitting article to write on Independence day,
I am an Independent Indian, I wish to celebrate it in my own way,
After all I am executing my freedom of expression,
by writing what I feel and bringing it to everybody's attention.

Funny Matrimonial Ads for Wives!

Beggar
Allah ke naam pe Ek biwi de de bhaiya,
Jo Hamare  saath hamesha bheek mangega,
aur 10-15 bachey sadak par paida karke,
uss se bhi bheek mangvayega!!

Banker
Wanted wife who will always keep me "interest"ed,
who will not debit my account often and with excellent services, I will always be credited
She should do the laundry but not carry out anti-money laundering activities,
which will reduce income and affect the budgeted household expenses,
And in our credit card statement cause unnecessary anomalies.

Astrologer
Wanted a woman who in unison will foretell the future of our happy married life,
a much needed requirement of my prospective wife
where her planet, Venus will meet my planet, Mars 
and who will be interested in creating a baby Aquarius and baby Libra,
under a sky filled with twinkling stars.

Pilot
Wanted wife who will take control of my cockpit,
who will always serve me with a smile
and not throw any tantrums or fits.
She must ensure her head is not in the clouds and her feet firmly on the ground,
And always remain slim and slender like an air hostess and never grow rotund.

Doctor
Wanted wife who will cure me of the cardiac unrest
caused by long hours of work and loneliness,
Want someone who will ensure my blood pressure and insulin levels are always normal,
And heal my erectile dysfunction at regular intervals.

Businessman
Wanted wife who together with me will form a company,
And ensures that our marital graph shows profitability.
Losses will be forgiven, but black money should be hidden,
and not always spent on shopping, but sensibly.
Also she must ensure that she produces male heirs, two but not one,
Because in future, the name of the company should  be Mr. And Mrs. X and sons.

Traffic Policeman
Wanted wife who will turn left, right, go north and south,
and also stand by me in times of dead ends and roundabouts.
With one signal, my requirement she must understand,
Else the pieces of our failed marriage will have to be picked up by a towing van.

Lawyer
Wanted wife who must provide evidence that she is of sound mind, a virgin and not a minor,
And must talk politely and respectfully when addressing her juror.
She must raise objections before marriage as later they will not be sustained,
And "My Lord" , her husband she must loudly proclaim.

Astronaut
Wanted wife who will explore the universe with me
and together all galaxies we'll see.
We will create little baby comets and meteorites
and in our little space ship cuddle under the warm moonlight.

Economist
Wanted wife who will address all my demands
and supplies to my every requirement on my command.
Her elasticity of demands for my supplies must not exceed,
and she must never reach the stage of diminishing marginal utility.

What a prospective bride wants in a groom!!

Besides the idealistic requirements of tall, dark/fair and handsome,
and loving, caring and kind,
When a prospective bride searches for a groom, 
There's actually something else going on in her mind.

When she states she wants a man who is well educated,
she means nothing less than an engineer or doctor,
or a financial Post graduate or a doctorate,
or even a chiropractor.
Someone with less qualifications would also make do, 
but then, they'd  have to earn a big pay packet,
with additional perks too.
Because "Money hai toh honey hai" or " it's all about the money, honey",
and money is the true luxury, 
always needed to keep the wife, 
forever smiling and happy.

When she speaks, she would want him to always look into her eyes,
"look into her eyes" , once again let me emphasise!
She  is not a fleshy piece of meat and has more anatomy than a chest,
he must realise this sooner than later
and treat her with the utmost respect.

She would want a husband to take her on at least, one international trip annually,
maybe a romantic holiday in France or Italy
or Switzerland or Chile.
If financially not  feasible, she'd settle for a holiday in Bulgaria, Latvia or Austria,
But a definite no-no to any trip to the local Lonavla,  Khandala
or even the posh Lavasa.

She would want her future husband to relish the delicacies she cooks,
and never want him to compare her culinary skills to his " Mummy's ",
if he wishes to be spared of " I wish you would turn to ash" cold looks.

She would also want him to never mention his mother's or any other woman's name in vain,
if he does, don't blame her, if she constantly nags, whines and complains.
As she doesn't like comparisons especially if it's " weighty issues" between two women,
she may not mention it,
but in time, the future husband more often than not, will ascertain.

Her future husband should be an epitome of charity
he should give her an add on credit card, with an unlimited credit facility.
And if he gets a shock seeing the credit card statement's obscene figure,
he must understand that the clothes, shoes, bags etc. she has bought,
is part of the household and her maintenance expenditure.

When she says she's tired, he must be sensible and understand,
and remember that there are nights where he needs to sleep with zipped up pants.
Cause' she wouldn't like to hurt his big male ego,
by faking " a you know what" which most of the time, he wouldn't really know.

Basically, she wants a "lover"able, " bank"able, "charitable" life partner,
who with her insatiable wants and demands,
will  in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, all the days of her life,
blindly love and accept her.

What prospective grooms actually look for in a bride!!

Prospective grooms in their search for a bride mention requirements of age, height, education, caste and even sect,
But if you actually read between the lines, they want someone who for the " Job of wife",
is absolutely, positively, undoubtedly, completely perfect!

She must be a MODEL who is 36"-24"-36"  but also an ACCOUNTANT with a  head for figures,
she must be averse to shopping and must always ensure,
she doesn't exceed the budgeted household expenditure.

She must be a MASTER-CHEF who understands the concept of fine dining,
but at the same time ensures she cooks humongous quantities of food,
lest the husband is in the foulest of moods.
because a man in a hungry state will be constantly grumbling and whining,

She must be an excellent HOUSEKEEPER,
who at least once a day, sweeps, mops and dusts,
cleans the toilets and bath tubs regularly,
which for the husband, is an absolute must.

She must be a NANNY to his children,
feeds them and cleans them by nine.
Plays with them, reads to them, disciplines them,
and ensures they sleep early at night,
so that with the husband she can spend more " Quality" time.

She must be an EVENT MANAGER,
excellent in organizing birthdays, anniversaries and all kinds of events,
ensuring that the best is served,
but at the same time ensure, the least amount is spent.

She must possess effective SECRETARIAL skills,
as men seem to be blessed with poor memories,
She needs to keep reminders on her phone,
even though he can do so, with his very own Blackberry.

She needs to be his PERSONAL ASSISTANT or Diary for all special days,
and needs to be the TELE CALLER for friends and family,
just in case he's held up at work or in a meeting delayed.

Basically she should be a " Joan of all trades and MBA of all",
love, care and serve her husband hand and foot,
and in time, turn them into fattened turkey butterballs!

The Past, the present and the future..

Rejoice and enjoy your present,
do not delve in the days gone by,
the present will soon become your past, 
which undoubtedly proves, that time does fly.

Do not worry about the future,
no one knows what it holds,
no one can predict what's in store for you and what story will unfold.

NASA has predicted a total blackout between 23rd and 25th December,
If true, it'll surely be an unusual Christmas,
one we all will remember.
Don't think 2012 is the end of the world or the almighty God's dreaded curse.
The Earth and the Sun will align for the first time, 
it is an alignment of the universe.
Imagine three days of total darkness, everything will be pitch black,
We all can catch up on sound sleep,
a luxury in our fast paced lives we do seem to lack.

The universe will undergo a transition  but no one can foretell what days will come,
just stay calm, eat, love and pray and take what they say,
like a glass of coke mixed with good ole' " Old Monks Rum  ;)"!

Never mix food and love!!

Even today, I am highly amused by the "lovey-dovey" sights at Bandra Bandstand.
Couples gazing into each others eyes or walking on the promenade, hand in hand.
some canoodling and cuddling on ash grey pointed rocks,
and some caught in an Hrithik-Katrina " Zindagi Naa Milegi Dobaara" style lip lock!

I am unable to understand this " Love making" for general public view,
Sometimes the sights and scenes make us walkers, squirm in embarrassment too.

"All is fair in love and war", in " Euphues", said John Lyly,
but "all is not fair when you mix food and love" let me reiterate this emphatically.

Why would I say this you may ask, but let me explain my logic,
You can't mix love and food, cause' both need to be enjoyed in unison but at the same time separate!

It's saddening to see young couples sip on two straws from a single glass of coke or pepsi,
looking into each others starlit eyes, oh so romantically.
The height of impracticality is when they share a solitary burger,
where one will take a small bite and then lovingly feed the other.
This futile exercise goes on and on till they reach the final bite,
And one will say " you have it" and the other " no you have it",
I really pity the poor on-lookers plight!
The tiny piece moves back and forth, till she says, "only if you feed me",
and when he gives her the piece, she takes it and slam-dunks it into his mouth like a basketball,
And gives a shy smile of victory!

Call me an unrealistic, impractical, hardhearted unromantic,
but when it comes to food, I will call myself "Hedonistic".
You may be madly in love but you may end up in war,  if you share  food,
and mind you such kind of sharing for a relationship, is not always good!
Because after all this romance, the boy and girl both go home hungry,
and the girl may even curse the guy for his " Kanjoosigiri"!

Thankfully my husband  is passionate about his food like me,
there will never be a dearth of romance between us,
but when it comes to a burger or any kind of food,
he'll  always order two or more and ensure he enjoys it separately!!

Har Haath Mein Phone!!- The Government's new Mantra!

"Har Haath Mein Phone" is the new mantra of the UPA,
where PM Manmohan Singh has decided to give to 6.5 lakh below poverty line (BPL) families,
mobile phones freely away.

Read this in the newspapers and found it extremely amusing
that our government for the upcoming elections in 2014,
such senseless tactics are using!

So instead of providing the BPL families " Roti, kapda aur Makaan"
the government wisely decided, 'why not provide free mobiles and make them less "Pareshaan"!'
Also with the free phone, comes free talktime of 200 minutes,
sadly, the BPL families cannot fill their empty stomachs with it.

Sonia Gandhi must have said "Chalo let's go the Marie Antoinette's way,
she said "Let them eat cake" and so why not we get votes by giving free phones away."

But will these mobile phones function, that is my primary question,
where in most rural areas there is no network coverage for any kind of connection.
Besides the big issue of no mobile connectivity,
how will these families charge their new cell phones, if they enjoy no luxury of electricity.

Off late, political parties have thought of new means and methods to collect votes,
some distribute Televisions freely, some washing machines and some even distribute 100 rupee notes.

Rs. 7000 crores seems to be an exorbitant amount on a frivolous scheme of cell phones to spend,
where these poor families do not have any means, to survive their hapless end!

Instead why can't the government concentrate on " Har Haath Mein kitaab",
I am sure it'll be beneficial and for everyone bring about " Shubh Laabh"!

Funny Finds on Facebook!

While browsing through Facebook, many posts, pictures and comments catch my attention,
But more than entertainment, I sometimes get certain bouts of apprehension!

When people put up " X is at Y five star hotel" or at the " Byculla zoo"
After reading such funny statuses, I've decided to make one for Facebook, 
"Charmaine has checked into her residential loo!"
Seriously, nobody cares if you're at the Itc, Sheraton, Taj or Armani at the Burj Khalifa,
But if your stalker is on Facebook, it would be so easy for him/ her to know exactly where you are.
Imagine if all criminals and terrorists updated on Facebook their whereabouts,
The world would indeed be a peaceful place to live in, without an iota of doubt!
Maybe Osama had mentioned his location on Facebook with "Osama is at Abbotabad"
That's the reason the US were able to trace him so easily, without working too hard!

The second find on Facebook which I found extremely absurd
Is when people talk or post pictures on religion, 
personally, I feel, is not at all required.
After all religion is a very private and a controversial issue,
We don't need Facebook for people to express their religious views.
I'm sure most of us go to temples, churches, gurudwaras and mosques,
We don't need a fun site like Facebook, to preach sermons to the social networking flock.
If people want to carry out the process of evangelisation,
Facebook, I'm sorry is not the right place, so please use some sense of discretion.
We all we visit Facebook to catch up with friends, family and network with people across the globe,
We don't need to be overtly religious and on others our "Godly" thoughts impose.

The last funny find on Facebook which I found extremely hilarious
is when people post " I'm sick, I've got a cough and cold", 
Facebook is not going to cure you, you need a doctor, medical aid or an antivirus!
If you want to joke about your illness or your cuts or burns like me,
It's absolutely fine, but remember Facebook can cure you socially but not medically.

That's it ...Take me seriously or don't, it's absolutely your choice,
I'm just a blogger expressing my point of views, 
in a manner which is poetically frank as well as politely nice;)!

Should Anna Hazare and team join the political bandwagon?

At last Anna Hazare decided to end his fast and form a "Political alternative"
But what benefit will Anna and his supporters to the political system give?
Team Anna has decided for the next two years to travel across the country,
to search for suitable candidates to fight elections as a political alternative
and if unsuccessful, to form their own political party.

So is Anna and team doing the right thing?
By entering politics, will they in the present political scenario, a difference bring!
The Congress in its two terms  has left the economy in shambles
whereas the BJP as a party is mired with their internal infighting and infamous for being communal.
A political party by team Anna would indeed be a refreshing change,
where a party would be formed for betterment of the country than playing religious and caste games.
A political party formed to contest elections not to appease minorities on the pretext of secularism
and concentrate on the country's future development and fight against the Political "chors", " dacoits" and "devils" of corruption.

I only hope this is not the reigning party's conspiracy,
to support Anna to form a political party,
where the congress gets votes and people's support with assistance from Anna and team,
And once again, shatter hopes of a better India, along with a billion dreams!

My Dieting debacle!!

After my three week "bingeing" trip in Mumbai,
decided I'd follow the diet recommended by "Chota Bhai"
the famous Primal Diet by Mark Sisson,
but to follow such a diet for me would indeed be life's toughest decision.
It's a diet where you have to give up all sorts of carbohydrates,
and after hearing about what I'd have to sacrifice,
I decided I'd give up water instead and dehydrate!

No dals, no rice, no cereals, no rotis,
imagine having your meat and fish curry with a plate full of veggies.
For breakfast it's okay to have eggs with cheese, sausages and ham,
but no bread and butter and definitely no marmalades or fruit jam.

Mark Sisson recommends eating alot of cherries,strawberries and all types of berries,
but being a loyal sweet toothed Indian,
I can't think of giving up the ladoos, pedas and the sugar syrup coated jalebis.
Eating chocolates made of 85% cocoa is also recommended by him,
but the idea of giving up my Galaxy's, Toblerones and all kinds of milk chocolates is the biggest sin.

Then a friend told me about her diet recommended by some doctor,
where you eat a Marie biscuit every half hour and drink gallons of water.
For breakfast you don't eat the yoke but eat six egg whites
and for lunch and dinner, half kilo vegetables with 100 grams rice.

Who can ever follow such primal, medieval or modern diets!
Besides the Hollywood and Bollywood bimbettes and starlets,
who need to have the hour glass figure or rather the anorexic look,
where they only inhale the steam from the dishes they cook.

It is rightly said that a diet is the penalty you pay when you exceed the feed limit,
but I don't want to be penalised in such a hefty manner so I've decided I'd rather not diet.

Maybe some people can diet and some just cannot,
I fall into the second category, where I know I'll lose weight,
cause' laughter is the best exercise and I do laugh alot!!

Does India need a President!!

So finally, Pranab Mukherjee is the new President of India,
we've had 13 presidents since 26 January, 1950 so far.
But my question here is " Do we Indians really need a President?"
where they are paid exorbitant salaries and given free residence,
where expenses like telephone bills, electricity bills, transport bills and others are paid for,
where post retirement, they are entitled to pension and a government rent free bungalow.

Over Rs. 300 crores is spent during a single president's tenure,
where the same amount could be wisely spent on providing homes to the homeless,
on infrastructure or on providing proper drinking water

The president is the formal head of the Legislature, Executive and Judiciary branches of Indian democracy
but he can't summon or prorogue the houses of parliament without the advice of the Prime Minister, you see.

International treaties and agreements are negotiated and concluded on behalf of the president,
but normally negotiations are carried out by the PM and treaties are subject to approval of parliament.

Yes, the president is the commander in chief of the Indian armed forces,
but no war can be declared or peace concluded over any country without the army, navy and air force chief's consensus.

The president is the formal head of state but still seems so powerless,
it really doesn't matter if we have a president or not, nonetheless!
Cause' of late this vacancy is filled by retired ex-politicians or puppets of political parties,
Hopefully, Pranab Mukherjee does not turn out to be just a ceremonial head or a globetrotter like his predecessor,
I pray idealistically and optimistically!!

Raksha Bandhan - the unbreakable bond!

Raksha Bandhan is a day to celebrate the bond of protection
where a brother promises to protect his sister from all harm and danger
It is not just the tying of sacred thread and exchanging gifts,
but a festival to celebrate the relationship between brother and sister.

Raksha Bandhan is mostly celebrated by a few Muslims, Sikhs and Hindus,
though I am none of the above, I've tied a Rakhi on my brother's wrist, ever since he's two.
I still remember those years where he'd wear the rakhi for days and days,
till the Rakhi would finally wear out and reach the last few threads.
I've still got his Raksha Bandhan gift, which he bought me years ago with his saved pocket money,
a pair of golden ball earrings, made exclusively for me.

Whenever I reminiscence the past, I have a happy smile on my face
I still have fond memories of the food competitions, the fights, our home made puppet shows and Hotwheels car race.
Oh I must say we've been true blue brother and sister,
where we've fought "dishoom bishoom" and even come to blows,
we've played with cars, dolls, Gi Joes and guns
and faced a yelling grandma when we've broken vases playing cricket indoors.

But no gifts or tying of rakhi or a special day can define this inseparable bond we share,
no gold, diamonds,silver or designer bags ;) can measure our sublime love or how much, for each other we do care.

Because though it's over two years since I've tied a rakhi on my brother's wrist,
All I want to say is "Don't feel so sad Bro', for next Raksha Bandhan, in advance I'll send you my shopping list!"